^I get you . Medical field always questionable def VETS not saying the people who work there are bad. Or don’t care. Most jobs are professions. Which always equal a business. But that’s not any of our faults. It’s just how things are run. Emergencys aren’t really emergency without costing a ton of money. Gotta pay to survive. I suppose. Hopefully that’s what you meant. But it is all questionable. But with like hospitals, human animal. Internet companies. Even automechanics.  You can’t get that much help else where. That’s why alternative practices are being looked into. That’s why the vac stuff is being looked into. It’s a good thing to question about our reality of things and who controls what. My best is to always help people small businesses only way to fight back. In certain spaces. Obviously can’t go to a small town go to a diner to get your back looked at. But massage therapy could be a alternative to actual prescriptions. It works for some. Some it don’t. Lol sorry I just kinda channeled all that. Haha always question and notice the signs. Also why do most emergency for pets not allowed small payments or anything like that. That has probably do with money being owed . Something strange. There’s only so many charity things for pets. Now gofundme starts to help. But guess what that a business to. And they get percent of it. Ding ding. Lol that float really got you opening your eyes and seeing the truth. It’s these just notice it and keep growing your mind. 


Good and evil 

For me the past 15 years or However like I just followed all light with the occasional dark knight of the soul. But that is because I thought I had to be all light and sparkly even working at a occult shop. Not that I’m all evil Or anything but most important is I’m starting to see the truth before Christianity took over. That maybe even the gods are manifestations of beings because we created them. Or something created god/Jesus Satan Lucifer. Good vs bad concept. The real digging is..something created them. They didn’t appear. The universe is a solar system maybe it has some machine who knows. However the more you think about it it we will never know scientist prob will never know. They had to make a story up for everyone to believe. It goes blank. Adam and eve 

Atom and evolution.
 I mean it all goes down to the Freemason and those people know. But they know because they have occult knowledge. It all boils down to our thoughts what we think . Creators of our own universe. Our brain left and right . Liberal / conservative Democrat/  republican 

Positive /negative 

Sharon Tate 

June 21st, 2005

“You have to have a real love in your heart to do this for people.”

“I just kept stabbing her until she stopped screaming.” 

Susan Atkins statement to cell mate about the death of Sharon Tate 

“I looked her right in the eye and said, Look, Bitch, I don’t care about you or your baby. Your going to die and I don’t feel a thing about it!” “And then I stabbed her.” how can people do this seriously?

I made the mistake of actually going Charles Manson sites…
and now my heart has been fucking ripped out

I read good stuff and horrible stuff….. 

I don’t care I think she’s beautiful, and she’ll always remain beautiful. 
She didn’t deserve anything, and I can’t wait till they say Charles Manson dies of a heartattack.. Yeah I know that’s mean.. BUT something in my heart will feel so much better to know he’s GONE…FOREVER. And that Bitch Susan I don’t know if shes a live…….I don’t really want to know…. 

I realized this entire time of dying my hair I want it the color of her’s in Fearless Vampire Killers. I will….. Plus we have the same middle name…… 

Time to go watch what I’ve BEEN WAITING FOR

!June 17th, 2005

Sharon ❤

It’s weird…the moment I watched one of those Charles Manson movies and I saw Sharon Tate something inside me clicked. Just something really opened up to her.. I saw her shining. I just wish stupid people didn’t kill her…. Thinking about it upsets me so much. 
I really think she’s beautiful… Something connects with her. I’m not really sure what it is. Maybe I’m her inside or something. When I look at her pictures something makes me smile at how pretty she is. She said this once “I’m so afraid of hurting other people’s feelings I don’t speak out when I should. I get into big messes that way.” That really reminds me of things about myself because, once someone starts talking about something and I know I could say something back but its not always the right thing. Sharon Tate was beautiful. I read her sister said “I hate it. I hate that her beautiful name is linked to Charles Manson.” I’m starting to agree with that… they really draged her name in the mud. And her name is linked to evil. What that girl did to her was pure evil. See when I talk about this I get really upset… something inside makes me love her so much, to the point when I see manson shirts.. I get so mad… sorry I’m just ranting. 

I read this 
Simply put, while these photo images are frozen in time, in 1969, Sharon’s beauty was and is timeless. She will forever be remembered as the epitome of feminine beauty. However, it was her inner beauty and loving, gentle spirit, that is most remembered and missed by her family and friends. 

Even though most of Sharon’s fans never got the chance to meet her, we believe that it was her spiritual gifts that transcended the celluloid and managed to capture the imagination of her fans then 
–and now.

 July 18th, 2005

Don’t Pass By..

So.. I’m very excited I ordered my Sharon Tate doc from A&E… I also read her offical site like the entire site. I offically think now she’s going to be my biggest role model for my entire life. I feel like having a locket of her around my neck.. Someday I’m going to order the shirts. Today I listened the wav’s of her. Her voice is so cute.
So I’m excited cause well for tonight Fearless Vampire Killers comes on at 3am. And then Wed Eye of the Devil which I can’t even really find it online is coming on! So I’m taping that, and then some Audry Hepburn movies are coming on. So That’s exciting….. I just want it to be seriously Wed…then Friday…damn… yeah so.. I’m on hold for the one side of the wall, I hung my Andy Warhol posters, but Now I decided I want Sharon Tate looking at me… Seeing her every morning would bring a smile knowing she’s up there looking down. I did hang my Devil’s Rejects Poster though.. oh yea.. hah… 
I also fixed myspace.. I’m not done I still have some ideas.. i guess…. whatever..
anyway.. I’m going to go wonder around the internet… 
did i mention I really love where i moved my computer! haha

Sharon Tate –Always a Star 
Slowly walk with Sharon Tate, 

The world slows down to see the beauty surrounding you. 

If a smile doesn’t radiate from your heart, 

Look at a picture of Sharon, your heart will smile. 

Your dream isn’t coming true, 

Notice anything can be accomplished when you care as Sharon did. 

Friends not in your life, 

Sharon radiated from her inner beauty –to teach the world how to have friends. 

Memories may fade, 

Sharon will always be there to remind you, memories will always be there. 

Can’t find stardom in your life, 

Walk with Sharon she will show you your star qualities. 

There is only one star, 

Sharon Tate, not ever to be forgotten. 

There is a special star up in the sky, 

Sharon dancing with a smile! 

Looking down to earth, still smiling on all the people she touched.

Continuing to touch the old friends as well as the new friends. 

By Patti Jones Ahrens gAbout Sharon…

It’s funny the first time I ever heard her name was in 1996. Marilyn Manson was on Mtv show 120 Minutes being interviewed by Matt Pinfield and they were talking about the upcoming Antichrist album. Manson was drawing connections between 1996 and 1969. Matt brought up the murder of Sharon Tate.

Then you and I were in line to meet Manson the next year and we were so close to meeting each other. Years later in 2006, just after you wrote those journal entries, you talked to me about Sharon and had those beautiful pictures of yourself looking like her. Then one day I consumed all this stuff about her, documentaries and pictures and everything. I was so horrified by the brutality of her murder scene that I did a painting of her and my sole intent was to immortalize her beautiful and perfect and unharmed and disconnected from the Manson family. And I thought of you the whole time I made it.

It’s interesting how everything connects. I can’t hear about her without thinking of you. All of this ran through my head the first time I was in your bedroom, looking at her picture.


January 11th, 2005

The Floating Pyramid Over Frankfurt That The Taxi Driver Saw When He Was Landing

Never mentioned…..I wonder if I exist? Too many people bump into me lately..
Are they blind? or just stupid……blind…everyone can be blind.. I’m lost without Everwood lurks around the corner..and a new episode, a new dream…a new door… New LJ….for Art? Heart……cute….way better then this one I_Heart_my_art…. stuck inside..come out and play….. birthday soon… Just Another day….. people usually die around there birthday’s… something falls….. from above….Angels? Aliens? Ufo space ship? I want them to take me away….to the LAND BEFORE TIME….. giggle giggle… Time before the land…. Angel, what do we do when we realize this is hell? Angel don’t be lost forever…’re the only safe place….. As we watch I sit and mourn.. See sometimes the things that are taken away from us, really shouldn’t be taken away…If only people like Buffy and Angel existed.. I wonder if Angel would save me?. some people think they’re in the shadows…. 

Seen a taste of rich…ate a taste of rich….beautiful lights….ginger bread palace….
unlike anything I’ve ever seen…..I felt the inside weep…cry out….. such beautiful things we have on this earth that we’ll NEVER have…… because we weren’t Born into it..and weren’t “lucky” enough…oh well.. Went to a dinner party filled with people unlike me….

 January 19th, 2005

sleepy megs

Roxy Saint..why can’t I be you?? SO After watching her DVD.. I decided I hate me..
She is so damn beautiful….. and her outfits are SO ADORABLE…. I really need to start working on my “future”, because I’m Lacking…. I’ve been lacking that since I graduated…
I know the things i want to do, I never tell anyone.. I keep them to myself and get jealous at other people for doing them. I can’t waste my life… was given to me…and I want to live it.
So I’m going to start working on RETURNING back to me… or Finding me??? I think i lack on myself lately…. I’m really Not as open as I should be to certain people, for some reason my Brain is insane and only lets me open to people that I feel are just like me….. When it’s open its open..sometimes it might just be online…..things are harder offline…. well they’re Not AS SERIOUS if that makes any sense… I just want to start making some clothes, Cause I have lots of idea’s thanks to Chicks on speed… I need to help myself…. 
Before I used to wear fake hair all the time, now it sits in my room…and collects dust…. and then I cry when I see pictures of people from the club that I miss… I miss NYC so much….. I loved going there… We’re going there Feb 11th I can’t FREAKIN wait……. Ed was trying to get me to dance today..and I said I Don’t dance anymore… I don’t think I even remember how…. It isn’t anyone’s fault… 

January 26th, 2005

worse day

I am the most stupidest person in the entire world. And if you care about me you probably shouldn’t read this because, I’m really upset and I’m going bash myself really bad… I’m not really sure why I do so many stupid things? Or Why I’m a shopaholic, why I can’t manage any money. I’m REALLY stupid. I have No idea what I just did… But I defiantly learned my lesson for who ever was trying to teach me it… I will Not be eating or drinking anything for two weeks at least at the mall I’m not cause I’m going to be poor my hot topic pay check is already gone and I have NO idea how much it is…. I’m glad I’m not going to be eating because I decided yesterday since I haven’t been to the club I’m getting fat… Right now I’m in such a rut I’ve been crying all morning and I don’t even know how I slept. The Worse thing is knowing I haven’t been working at the survey place that much so my pay check is going to suck and not even help me outta what i did…. eek.. I hate problems like these, these are the ones that DO make me want to kill myself, because they make me worry so damn much

January 27th, 2005

your time to stay

Sleep is needed…can you not…can’t you stop…….. I joined the mall walk team.. haha I decided I have nothing better to do that early in the morning so I’ll listen to my cd player and just walk the boring mall every morning… Good exercise… plus it gives me that peace I need in the morning to gather my thoughts together… For some reason I really enjoy watching ER… I love the doctors and the nurses…. It makes me want to be there with them…. I’d probably enjoy that.. I’m SOOO BEYOND Tired…..i shall go to bed in a little bit…. D.I.Y Do or Die….. funny how you look at my hi-fi….. hehehe I really enjoy listening to Robots in Disguise… I seriously love Chicks on speed and robots in disguise Sooo much!! I think he is right people on here do know me in a different way then he does….but its cause I’m so afraid.. I decided when listening to ashlee simpson that maybe I should just write some sorta big thing explaining how I feel, whats wrong with me.. But I’m not really sure I could get all the things that are wrong… Or…making nothing sound bad….
I Just need me time…. I miss the club, nothings preventing me except myself… I need that push…. I don’t know why my brain picks certain people to get close to , but it does…. Sometimes it’s not smart but now I know i feel it is… certain people in my life need to be there, and thats why they are.. I wouldn’t be happy.. maybe things aren’t the same anymore….but they can change if people are willing I guess…. i just need that damn everwood speech….. 🙂

March 3rd, 2005


It’s weird how this world works…at exactly at 12:00 inside my heart…I felt something…, as you can tell by my last journal entry that I just got really upset…after posting I read Jeff’s journal….. and now I know… And I know why I’ve been talking about her all day…. …. I made this for her…..I’m sorry if this upsets anyone, but she needs to be remembered….. I miss you….

March 4th, 2005

The weird gets WEIRDER…

So…last night…..I’m hiding under the covers to keep warm..when I hear a guys voice..

It almost sounded like a robot sorta thing..and It was counting…. or it was saying something about.. 9….. I have no idea… but I got freaked out because it sounded like it was whispering…. I got so freaked out I came out from under the covers and saw nothing… I have no idea what the hell was going on… the Dead is speaking to me while I sleep maybe? I’m kidding.. I have NO IDEA what the hell it was… I’m NUTS….. . 

May 9th, 2005

is this to you?

AHH!!! I’m going nuts…..
I needed to take a shower…but instead I was talking to Ed’s mom and ordering stuff for his birthday online..and then I’ve been looking what to wear.. For the concert tomorrow.. that just took me an hour…. I’m still not sure, but since a stuff panda might be on stage I’m wearing my paul frank monkey shirt….a pink one on top…and maybe some white baby socks…ahhh I’m not SUREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE… I’m confused oh well.. I need sleep I feel sick…I feel stressed because like 1000 people just imed me and i didn’t even say anything because I wasn’t really at my computer. I was making a mess of my room… now its like TRASHED.. I wanted to make a necklace I didn’t..> AHHH!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING!???? now I have to get up at like 6 something because I HAVE TO SHOWER AHH!!!!!!!!! and I FEEL LIKE CRAP NOW… I think I’m like Nervous. cause now everyone probably hates me! I’m sorry I’m having a STRESSFUL evening…. I feel like all my friends are sad and depressed….. I’m sorry if I don’t have any words lately and I’m not being myself.. I’m so busy that I’m actually feeling sick right now. See I hate this world..and all that stuff….. I just sometimes can’t take seeing too much of it….. or then I start to feel it even when I’m not sad or depressed. I’m not complaining… May just seem’s like its a depressing month or something….. well it all started at the end of last month…. People losing people not being able to do anything about it, Your in a complicated situation…. 
As I’ve learned from the past.. don’t push that person.. If they don’t love you anymore, or woke up and became someone else (thats what it feels/seems like) they will come back to you if they want.. Your just wasting your time on something that obviously doesn’t care… And that’s not there fault you can’t hate them for that. That is just it… There’s nothing anyone can do…. I know YOU…. can’t stop the way you feel.. But you can stop yourself from getting hurt, YES THE THINGS THAT REMIND YOU OF Hurt… But … they are good memories… keep them that way.. The bad just destroys everything it plows it away…..anger/hate… Just be there for yourself. Keep yourself happy. You can change things for yourself. I just hate seeing all my friends so unhappy because if I could I would change it in a heart beat. I honestly care about you people so damn much… life does always has and it always will. AS BUFFY SAYS… THE HARDEST THING IN THIS WORLD IS TO LIVE IN IT.

That’s true believe it or not….. 

See the good in your life… even if it’s that flowery tree outside..with the pink peddles.. even if its the cinnamon toothpaste in the morning…. or an APPLE……

Now…… this is my advice of the current time…
most likely in two posts i’ll be all depressed ….
I’m just trying to make people feel good…..

I just don’t always have something to say….
and sometimes too much pain puts me into a coma…..
I’d rather watch..then speak…..

I love you
The End….


This isn’t specific oh who this entry goes out to…..
If you read know…..

i need to go to bed before my head EXPLODES

as another note…
we need…to stop counting on people as a security…. because I mean…
do we want to be with the person just because we don’t want to be alone? Or do want not to be alone so thats why we want to be with a person? or something like that…. 
Security..and stablity …. is what everyone wants? I’m not sure….. 
I mean I would rather be with someone that I love and loves me.. Then to just be with a person because I’m secure, and I’m not really as happy as I should be? I think these are questions people should ask themselves…. I mean why do we always need to be with someone to make us happy? I mean how long does it take for some to be able to be okay with being alone with out security? Sometimes I think people should really…stop looking at the way other people treat them, and start looking at how they treat there ownselves…. don’t dwell on what’s not there…. just think about the possiblities..
On how much you can get to know yourself. Well we all know in relationships you sorta stop caring about yourself and just care about the other person. SO I mean.. When you.. just got dumped, or dumped someone. OR SHOULD DUMP someone. Maybe its a sign you should REALLY think about yourself… ❤

hahah don’t mind me.. I think that made sense maybe…….
Just Think about it…. I for one need to work or dealing with me.. but….
I’m not the ONLY ONE.. hehehehehehhehehehehehehehe

damn i watch too much EVERWOOD….

May 18th, 2005

“I hurt myself today”

First to begin with…
I had a dream this morning I was at a MSI concert.. and LYNZ was on stage.. And I Said I HEART YOU… and she said I heart you too.. and tried to get me on stage. Then she jumped down.. and hugged me. Then.. the girl next to me who LYNZ thought was my g/f said something to her then she walked away said… aww…then in the background the music said everyone jump on stage..and everyone did. then police came cause MSI left the building.. (I see…the refrence to my lindsey in this haha)
hahaha weird…. 

then all day i was nervous about getting into NIN….. 
When we got to the concert I was even more NERVOUS…..
And Then Mike (the guy i know who works there) Saw me… talked to his boss… then they cut us in line….and IN WE WENT… HAHAHAHAHA… it’s a shame people spent so much money on the concert… oh well.. It was a great show… Jordie is looking so good…. In my head I kept thinking Carrie would be there…. Then When I heard Trent sing “my sweetest friend everyone i know goes away in the end “.. that kinda made me teary eyed… Such a great show and we WHERE SO FREAKING CLOSE!!!!!! I can’t BELIEVE IT! Dresden Dolls where okay, I like them better on CD…. hehe… BUT ANYWAY.. The back of the stage setting was so COOL! I want it for my ROOM!! anyway GREAT night.. and Now I’m BEYOND tired and have to STAND ALL DAY.. I can’t WAIT TILL FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HORROR CONVENTION YAY!!! I still have to call WORLD CAFE..about my street team thingie they want me to do… damn.. ED WAS SO HAPPY!!!! More of his presents came today .. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I called everyone during the concert…… haha… Me and Ed are going to thank Danielle’s hubby Mike so much!! He’s such a GREAT GUY.. he has no idea how much i appreciate him for getting us in FOR FREE!!!


 July 1st, 2005

Post number 1

There’s many things i Have to post right now… too many actually…
But to start…with this first… I want to make an apology for all my loving caring friends on LJ.. I’m sorry that I mention ED my boyfriend too much, I’m sorry I mention Buffy, Everwood, Eliza Dushku, Sharon Tate, Roxy Saint, Hot Topic, Heakin Research, 12rounds, abandoned houses, aimee echo, alyson hannigan, andy warhol, angela bettis, anna farris, apoptygma berzerk, audrey hepburn, b horror movies, battle royale, benny benassi, betty page, bjork, btvs, buffy the vampire slayer, buffyverse, burlesque, carnivals, charlie kaufman, chiaki kuriyama, chicks on speed, christina ricci, cibo matto, circus, clinic, crispin glover, dario argento, david cronenberg, david lynch, death pose for romeo, debbie rochon, deftones, dita von teese, dolls, edie sedgwick, elijah wood, eliza dushku, emily perkins, everwood, fairies, fairuza balk, francesca lia block, freakylinks, freddy krueger, from autumn to ashes, funker vogt, gas masks, george romero, ghosts, ginger snaps, gottfried helnwein, gregory smith, hanin elias, hans holzer, haunted houses, haunted places, hellraiser, historic places, hocico, horror movies, industrial, james marsters, japan, japanese horror, japanese school girls, jason voorhees, jessica biel, john waters, johnny depp, joss whedon, jpop, juliette lewis, kana, katharine isabelle, keoki, kieran culkin, killer klowns, ladytron, leatherface, ling bai, llyod kaufman, lords of acid, lucy liu, lynz, majandra delfino, marilyn manson, marilyn monroe, marquis de sade, michael myers, michael pitt, michelle trachtenberg, milla jovovich, mindless self indulgence, miss kitten, modest mouse, muse, my bloody valentine, nico, nocturne, noisex, nurses, occult, pain, paranormal, pizzicato five, placebo, polysics, portishead, psycho le cemu, puffy amiyumi, pzycho bitch, robots in disguise, roxy saint, sam raimi, sarah michelle gellar, scarlett johansson, scarling, serial killers, seth green, shiina ringo, stereolab, suicide commando, sunday munich, supernatural, takashi miike, takashi shimizu, the faint, the start, tiffany shepis, tim burton, tokyo, tom savini, travis pastrana, trevor brown, troma movies, tromeo and juliet, tru calling, vincent kartheiser, vincent price, vnv nation, weird nj, werewolves, wumpscut, yayoi kusama, yendri, zombies, Ravonettes, AND ANYTHING ELSE I MAY HAVE LEFT OUT. 

Excuse me for being me.. Right Now I feel like my blood is like boiling…. actually I NEVER ever felt like this before….. EVER….. hahahahah It feels like my heart just exploded into a million tiny little pieces….. This hurts I hope your happy……..your all happy….

July 3rd, 2005

Remember you when I say…

My mom is so funny… 
“ever realize all your boyfriends always sang”- Mom
Oh that note….


!!August 22nd, 2004

Life’s Lesson’s

One time when I was with Chris… we used to have this notebook where I’d keep it for one week and I’d write in it, and he’d take it for the next. One time Phil took it from him and wrote all these bands down he liked. I wasn’t really into the same music as him when we dated.. I liked Glassjaw, The Used, Placebo..Deftones.. but the others I never heard of. Then when He broke up with me.. I looked at the list. I started listening to all of them. I find it funny because those Cd’s that I bought are covered in dust and I never even touch them now. Funny how, so many people do the same thing….. I learned tonight that the past is just luggage that we carry around. To make room for more possibilities you need to get rid of that luggage. For the past 2 months I’ve been doing really good. Forgiving the people that hurt me. And stopped caring about the people who try to hurt me. Lately I get mad, and let it bother me for a second but I’ve been learning to NOT let it ruin my day… So I’ve been really doing good when I follow that. Actually I’ll read stuff and it doesn’t even bother me anymore. I feel at peace…. Like for once in my life I’m not letting the past control my every move. And I try to never even think about it, even when I am reminded. Inside I feel so much better, like I’m not being tortured.. Even if people feel like saying something I’m not caring anymore because it doesn’t even matter. People are ALWAYS going to say stuff always….. No matter how good or bad of a person you are.. It’s up to you to stay strong and to not let ANYONE make you weak ever……. Why let people take over you like that.. When you have such wonderful beautiful things. I think me talking to Ed about my true feelings, what was really bothering me, and what I was keeping inside for so long REALLY helped me. Hell it even got me enough courage to Sing a SONG… Back with the LUGGAGE thing….
I remember my teacher was talking about that one in class.. I should of listened to her more back then, then I would have known….. “we learn and grow from this pain” Doesn’t really mean we have to live with it because we suffered from it. It happened know reason to hold it in. I think it does ruin relationships when you do because you’re still dragging the past in the future. Doesn’t mix….. And I’m glad that I started to notice this before Ed and I started dating. So I’m not letting the past ruin us, like I’ve done before. I think that’s why our relationship is so well, and we’re so close… Because we learned from the past.. The Do’s and Don’ts. But you can’t learn everything in 22 years. But however you do learn valuable things. I believe the past does cause mental problems like, Borderline personality disorder, paranoia, bi polar, depression, trichotillomania.. Sometimes those things never go away unless you take medicine. I think with the world we live in now, people always have one of those disorders. And I think as a person if your self will is strong enough you could do it, fix what’s broken. I had one of those, that I care not to share. And I totally fixed it by myself. I think being aware of what you feel really helps. Emotions are feelings NOT actions.
You really can’t control the way you feel, but you can control what you do. The thing with life is. Some times people spend too much time in wanting what other people have instead of finding it themselves. Anger, Fear, Anxiety,bordem, loneliness, jealousy, grief are all apart of life. But not to forget these pleasurable emotions Exist to like happiness, love, satisfaction. But its always the painful emotions that are harder to deal with. Which everyone experiences are different, and you react to them in your own way. The way you react to things it’s what makes you unique. I myself for once in my life feel like Only thinking about the good emotions, because I think thinking about the painful ones doesn’t get you anywhere. You move on , because they’re over with no need to keep feeling them if you don’t have to. 

Well hopefully this makes some sense….. 

September 2nd, 2004

No stars for me….. 😦

I seem to be a little shaky… the club was a lot of fun last night. Well not that much but it was good seeing some people, and seeing people missed me. Makes a girl feel good. Super Kid said its not the same without me, I even made Vaughn happy I was there heh.. Thanks to Danielle for getting us in.. yay… right now my mind is driving me crazy….. I’m shaking and I can’t stop.. I scare myself, and the things people say scare me too… Some things aren’t good to say to me, I’ve been seriously happy and fine for the first time in my entire life. Sometime’s things hurt me more then anyone could imagine, and then I have to fight myself to want to be here. I know that one thing, I know on my side there will never be someone like you, and I’ll never find another person that will ever reach that. And I wouldn’t want to. I know there’s a lot of future , anything could happen. I could be murdered tomorrow, shot, in a car accident. I always keep things beautiful in my mind. The things that I believe will happen will happen, and the things I say won’t ever happen Won’t. You seriously have no idea how I feel about you. I feel so stupid… What if I can’t help myself? And I’ll always have all these mental problems? And the fact that Buffy is gone, Angel is gone…… I know what would happen. My biggest fear is myself….. for I have the power of my life in my hands…. That’s one thing I do know, we have the power to give life, and the power to take it away.
Yeah this post isn’t sounding so great…. When I get tired I really need to just get to bed, not SIT HERE and WINE about it……. We all know where wineing gets you, no friends, and people who talk behind your back.. haha…

I keep thinking about Carrie for some reason and I think that’s what’s really been making me sad…. I keep thinking about how great of a person she was, and how she did so many of her goals….. and how no one in this world will ever be like her… I’ll never forget her 😦 

I love my friends, my family, Teddy bear and of Course my Edward.
I’m so happy to have them all in my life..
Sept 4,04..That it’s weird that it’s almost Sept 11th.. And I’ve been thinking a lot about Carrie… And then last night I had a Marilyn Manson dream, and that I found Ginger Fish and was talking to him, and he took me to Manson to tell him. and I just started crying saying I missed Carrie and Manson hugged me. I think she’s letting us know she’s always around and that’s she’s okay…. That’s what I believe….. ❤September 20th, 2004

Hungry Like the Wolf

Imagine that when you break up with someone, or they break up with you.. That everything ever given to you, everything you gave them, everything written, every picture just disappeared… It would be a lot easier. In the Realistic world we live in where President Bush is our current president, hurrican’s multiplying into tornado’s, and the younger generation just keeps getting more violent. We don’t have that benefit of the past erasing. Imagine if you could say something that you said before to someone else like “I’ll love you forever” and say it again to someone else, magically making it the first time you’ve ever said it. I know I’ve said it before, and I know I still love them just not in that way. I can honestly say this is the best relationship I’ve ever been in… It feels like how it should of been before, but never was. No matter how much I wished, and thought that it was okay it never EVER was. There’s a big difference… 

I get upset about things that aren’t even happening anymore, things that are done with.. Things that are just other people’s memories…We can’t go back and change stuff. I’m not going to go around and get upset over something so stupid.. Something that isn’t real anymore. It isn’t happening now, and it isn’t again… much as you wish…. I know what I’m doing different, and how I’m making this the best relationship. Before I would always think “everyone hurt me in the past” , blah blah… Scare myself into this huge paranoid bubble to the point that’s all I was just paranoid. I wasn’t even feeling anything else, I was just so afraid of losing someone in my life again. I couldn’t even concentrate on making it good.. Things are so different now, so much better. No lies… No drugs… I feel like I’m myself again though. I feel alive… I feel like I’m living again… I haven’t felt numb in so long, I remember exactly what it feels like and the Difference Feels so good. I’m Ranting.. Tonight we made a Collage. Two huge poster size ones. They’re so cool. Hopefully I can take pics of them. I’m listening to Christopher Beck…. He has had my heart for soo sooo long… He’s the Master of Buffy’s score, listening to it brings me right to that episode… Thank you for my mind travels… taking me to those beautiful places….. Sometimes when Ed’s driving in the car and I look up at the clouds my mind travels take me all over the place…. With Ed holding my hand.. The clouds are so beautiful, sometimes even these really sucky rainy cold days its beautiful… I see the darkness, the cold I feel so glad I’m happy.. 

September 23rd, 2004

The Dark One is Hurt….

Things this week… Milla Jovovich has a beautiful singing voice. Along side of her I found out Majandra Delfino has a beautiful voice. So great finding out that actress’s you love sing. So pretty…. Watching Ginger Snaps back the beginning.. For the second time. I really think that Emily Perkins is beautiful… I think her and Eliza Dushku are pretty much even in my book. I love the way she looks in this movie, she’s so pale, has black hair, and beautiful eyes. Yeah I’m a little crazy…okay..err.. A lot crazy.
I feel really sad tonight…..I don’t know why people don’t see that, if something’s wrong or even anything.. I sense things….. I sense it way before… Trust me the pit in my stomach lets me know, lets me feel it, before anyone says anything…. I guess it’s a psychic thing, or just that I really understand things on different levels. I’m not really sure……. It’s funny I notice whenever I get upset, i just think about Buffy and Angel.. And how much I really miss that show. It feels really weird, not having to tape buffy or angel… I feel lost, Joss was like my life guide, he was the Angel that watched over me, not really but it sounded pretty.. hehe… A lot of stuff that happened in buffy reflected my life a lot. It helped me deal with a lot. So when I get upset, I hide it or care too much for others to even care about that I’m upset. 
I wonder if anyone really see’s that….. or are people too blind? To notice things like that. All I know is i’m not letting myself get upset, I’m not…. I won’t….
My mind can’t afford it now, and I know you don’t know that.. But the fact that I don’t have Buffy or Angel coming on this season, is REALLY sinking in hard…. When Buffy ended it wasn’t that bad, because i Knew Angel was right next door….. Not anymore…
Now there’s some STUPID Mountain show on that I can’t wait till it get’s canceled. 

sorry I’m fighting my brain again……The thoughts go…. IN love…..Buffy gone…IN love Angel gone….. In love…..bits and flashes…..bad memories…..tears….in love.
Happy….sad fight happy…. happy fight sad… stronger…stronger…. no more stronger… Brigitte Strong…Buffy stronger….weird noises scary Chinese, Japanese ghost stories, kids in closets, something bite’s me….something lose in the house…
Where we gonna go? Same place as always… Away…… In love……true love… forever Love…happy Love……Buffy and Angel Love……forever….. Watch out… Emily Perkins has a gun……. Shoot…shoot shoot… you won’t….. You never will… too afraid…..always afraid…. Nothing to be mad about, nothing to curse at, you have what they don’t have…… No need to be angry, it ruins your day…… be happy…
Sleep is NEEDED…… really bad…. I’m losing it….losing what? I already lost it.
I lost it a hundred times, and I always found it….. pennies….dollars…. spirits…
Burn in hell…. it’s here with us…be quiet…… RUN!!!!!!!! 

I made Ed and me, some pasta, meat sauce and chicken parmesan, I sooo love cooking, Must be a natural talent, I hope Ed loves it….how many 22 year old females make there boyfriend dinner almost every night? I do I do.. Cookies, Chocolate cake….. Future housewife in the making… What you said on the couch, came from the heart… 

Oct 1,04

 I’m looking for one!!!! ahh and I want to buy Manson tickets… 

But…. I’m so afraid…….. I know soon as I go there, I’ll probably start crying my eyes out…. Cause that’s when it’ll REALLY hit me….. No Carrie… I look for her Every single time I go to a Manson concert, if it wasn’t for Manson I would of never have met her.. AHHH i’m getting all sad now….time to get ready

OCTOBER 29TH, 2004

  • October 29th, 2004

I can’t think of a subject right now..sorry

SO much to say!! Life’s been really busy!! First the other day I slept over Ed’s cause he had court the next day, everything went GOOD.. Then we went to a bunch of places, and we found a hollywood video that has awesome movies! So we rented 5 of them. In that adventure I also found X-files season 5 on dvd which has Emily Perkins in one of the episodes. She’s not in it too long but I’m happy I got it cause it was real cheap and I kinda want to start getting the x-files box sets. We also ate dinner at cooper river. Then I also won this Marilyn Manson mask at Sam goody, it’s from Y100.. It’s the manson mask, the greatest hits cd and two tickets to I think a halloween thing in philly.And then Last night we went to Rasputina. It was such a late show. But it was really worth it because I never seen them before. So pretty!! And funny. They sing so beautiful! It was such a great show. I also seen Rebecca there who just the other month I was wondering what happened to her.. I know I don’t know her well but, I haven’t seen her in such a long time. Also Ran into Mandy.
So far everytime I talk to Mandy I feel like I knew her forever. Her boyfriend worked for Manson a while back, and he has all this rare Manson stuff, like Twiggy’s dread, the Flags, all kinds of stuff. Sounds pretty cool. So If I go to the Manson show they said I could hang out with them. Mike was telling me all about Carrie, it made me feel so much better… It’s strange how life connects you with people you once knew… Now.. I know Carrie she’s probably up there some where going… “LET MEGAN HANG OUT WITH MANSON AGAIN!!” hehehehe She knew how much it all ment to me, everything she’s ever done. See before I always had this weird luck with Meeting Manson. But now, when I do I just know it’s her….
Something just tells me, it’s like an instinct…

Today I’m pretty tired, and I Think I’m getting a cold…blah… I hate colds….. I have no idea what’s going on this weekend….But it’s going to be good.. I also need to look for some more concerts to go to… I really have a lot of fun!



    Nico- Secret Side

  • October 29th, 2004

Ghost Research Seminar

Tonight Ed and me went to Gabreil Daveis Tavern in Glendora. The South Jersey Ghost research team was there. It was fun, they explained how a lot of stuff works, and stuff they use. I used to know all about it, but my brain has lacked. It was actually one thing I knew a lot about. Guess it looks like I haven’t given up.. Every time It seem’s like I do…something just happens and brings me right back. Guess I can’t get away from the Paranormal world… I guess when you’re ment to be interested in something you’re ment for it… No matter how long you stay away it just comes right back.. I got Dowsing rods, which are so fun. They really work by your mind… It’s so cool. I figured it’ll give me some practice in getting myself more spiritually open. I love my Edwar so much!! tomorrow we’re having rest day… and then the next day I think we’re going to Nighmares on Broadway.. I was telling him tonight we always find so many weird things to do.. that we just happen to find… I always used to be scared because I Didn’t know anyone there.. But since I’ve been with Ed, I just wanted to explore unknown places, and just have good fun… So far everything we have done has been so amazing and beautiful. And I’m so glad we find them. Yay!

November 13th, 2004

No..shit ha!

“Although you may feel like withdrawing, you may not have the luxury of doing what you desire. Forces are piling up around you that touch the hidden recesses of your own psychological issues. You can deny your feelings, but it’s not going to help. The way out of this dilemma is by moving through the situation as you move deeper into your own process. The two — the inner and outer — are merely reflections of the same thing. Your awareness can now bring some resolution.”

November 16th, 2004


Hi my name is Teddy Bear, I’m Megan’s pet cat.. She never mention’s me in here..
Instead all she talks about is Movies and tv shows. This girl is nuts… However I love that messy girl I lay on her clothes all the time. Well I over heard her saying she wants a Panda bear…When I’m really pissed off because I look like a Panda bear.
What a bitch…. now I should scratch her for that…. But no.. I’ll let her get away with this, just this time… Since I stole her computer and started looking up other kool cats online that like to use the internet…I can’t figure out this mouse though.oh well time to sleep like always… 

Teddy Bear..
.November 30th, 2004

Monsters like Presents too!!

Just finnished buying Ed’s presents. So far Melissa,/Ed’s dad and Ed… What a weird mix.. hah… It’s okay… was the place for Ed.. ha! I do need to stop though cause if I buy anymore for him, then I’ll max out my best buy credit card.. HAHAHAHAHA…funny lollipop candy canes…. uhmm.. Mama goose is flying to vagas right now.. I woke up early to say buy like 7:45. I gave her my Virgin Mary necklace that was blessed at the first priest to get Stigmata church… heh Hopefully it brings her goodluck… I always make sure it’s safe. I’m not really religious, I just love Virgin mary incase you didn’t notice all the statues in my room. I blame it on Romeo and Juliet.. speaking of…… Also last night, I started going back to the PAST journal entries and editing and taking away some.. See you can remove someone out of your life so people don’t have to judge you… haha actually i made some of them really funny…. I also, had to put that first comment Ed made in my journal as a memory when I found it I was so happy. Then I found all the other comments… So special…. I never really look back at my old entries….. hehe hmm….. sugar daddy. Oh yeah I dyed my hair! I bet your in shock!!! those who see me everyday…… I did it… oh yes I did…. be happy… well……whatever…..try to be happy.. Melinda Melinda where are you??? I seemed to have lost her, I hope she’s okay……. Cake & icecream……. hmmm….. SO much to say. I need to go to work…… How can I make this journal entry sound more exciting so it sounds “cool” and I don’t have to talk about Buffy and everwood… funny…everyone always thinks about those… I find it very cute.. I wish more people took the time out to go back and read my life, as if they didn’t have something better to do? Hi I’m Megan, what ever you’re reading your just going to sit there and make fun of me because I write about Buffy and Everwood all the time….. haha……(GINGER SNAPS) gosh… I’m starting to feel….stupid I try to talk about Ginger Snaps all the time in hopes maybe that could be the new.. “Thats all she talks about” hahahahahahahahahaha It is it is…… Now I feel riped off… NOW i Have TO TALK ABOUT IT MORE BECAUSE…..BECAUSE..BECAUSE..

 Dec 13,04

 can’t breath….i need to find air. or maybe a new world..with pretty rainbows..and flowers..and lollipops and hello kitty will be my pet….and green grass..and a sun that doesn’t really fry you into little pieces.. There will be different doors… in the North there will be a door to Sunnydale California…. On the East there will be a Door…To Everwood….. South door will be Bailey downs… and West will be …Unknown for right now…. There will be other little doors…. one that gets me to Japan.. even a little door to Nocturne every now and then.only when Vaughn is DJing… heh… One that leads right to Hopkins pond where a dead turtle floats….. and Don’t forget the Door to Twin Peaks…Roswell… where beautiful voices fill the air, music played all the time.. The aliens will come visit weekly to make sure everything is good… beautiful is that scene in Romeo and Juliet..when he’s walking to her when she’s laying in her coffin, that church is so beautiful with all the neon crosses…That just appeared in the new world…. pretty pretty….. the dead come and visit too…. they’re not gone forever…..everyone from the past… still remains your friend.. Seem’s so beautiful…… Don’t mind this post it all started, cause I feel like I can’t breath basically, my lungs must be closing because of my cold… *frowns* *cough*..eek…. Watched Twin Peaks.. David Lynch isn’t hard for me to figure out…. my mind is a little crazy, and I had a VERY good teacher…. Joss Whedon.. my “daddy”… He taught me well, I see in the box and outside of the box….. Plus my brain catches onto things a little fast, sometimes too fast……. I’ve been figuring out myself more and more…. Realized.. The entire…months… I’ve been hiding things that hurt me, that I didn’t know really did hurt me… Because I hide them so well….. So deep…. I myself didn’t even know… I’m not going into detail because.. it’s really not that place…. here’s the RUN DOWN… I was close with someone more then I realized, someone who was a good friend to me more then they will ever know, And i …Ignored it…. I just let them it was nothing… I let them leave my life….. I didn’t even grieve…. I Didn’t even let myself realize what was happening….. 

Hopefully I changed that…. Tonight I fixed something that Felt like …. I had this shadow… walking around me all the time… And I feel so much better now…. it was no one’s fault.. It was mine…. I hide things from myself to not let myself know…. I was upset… Now something inside FEELS so much better…

December 15th, 2004

just touching the surface…. part 1 1/2

No Voice. No words. Nothing. Lost.
I’m so drained… so tired.. my throat..slicing sounds nice..
I lost my voice I sound like the Red Head girl on that 70’s show.. haha..
I need to change things though, change something… I’m getting really depressed. 
My mom this morning almost made me go insane, I was about to just stab myself with the scissors. If only I could be a paper doll cause that’s what I feel like.. My mind is going to end up killing me, I just want everyone to know that. I screwed Jen over because I told her I’d go see From Autumn to ashes with her, and then Jaye gave me off today and my mind didn’t realize what day it was, then told Ed’s parents we’ll go to Cape May….. I’m sorry Jen… Gosh……. I hate myself, I hate who I am now because it’s NOT me at all…. It’s NOT…… This person that is typing isn’t me…… it’s someone else….. get her away from me…… I agree with Terry…And I agree with one of Sigrids journal entries… I hate how I’m afraid to say anything… I don’t know what is wrong with me???? Nothing is stoping me but myself…. It’s Me….. I’m Stupid….. the only thing that reminds me of myself is Ginger Snaps, And Lindsey. I think they’re a reflection of me, Lindsey is sorta my escape to me.. Besides her being one of my best friends, I don’t really know her in person.. I wish we lived closer. Then there’s Ben. Gosh I wish Ben and Lindsey lived closer. I need so many people in my life to make me happy because that’s who I am. When I’m alone or feel alone, everything shuts down…. I’m much happier when other people are happy I really don’t give a crap about myself. If Collin comes back to NJ i want him and Haven to stop by my house, since they never did.. Collin is part of my life since the moment he jumped into his little white car and drove the country to live with me. I love Ed so much, but I feel like I’m not me… I hate telling people I’ll hang out with them and never do, I don’t know what I’m doing to myself and why I keep doing it….. This is all me by the way… nothing but my mind is making me feel this way… I’m hurting because of what I did Last X-mas…. Actually not just hurting, I’m so upset over it…. That Every time I think about it I start crying my eyes out…. I wanted this Christmas to be magical but, I’m so busy thinking about the pain of last Christmas…. I’m so sorry…. No one really knows all of what happened.. You know what I did???? I had someone change there entire life for me, moved away from someone who loved him, and then treated him like crap.. And then when it all ended I acted like it was just nothing…. But that’s the thing it wasn’t just nothing. We where close. I didn’t even get upset, I just ignored the pain. Now here I am…. I’m dealing…..slowly…. I have too many problems….. don’t we all?!

December 17th, 2004

part 2

My last entry really wasn’t about my relationship with Ed. I just want to make that clear. It’s about me, and my relationship with Friends. I’m afraid Ed will read that other post and get all upset, but.. It isn’t about him at all.. He’s wonderful. I’m depressed, I’ve been depressed I don’t think its going anywhere.. Being in relationships don’t really cure depression…. I wish more then anything it did… But fixing what is wrong I think is the way to go. Things that are important to me aren’t to others. I hurt inside because of the past.. not because of now.. I know you shouldn’t live in the past.. But the person that I am, I can’t go around knowing I hurt someone and never fixed anything. And god…..I know I’m horrible because the only place I feel comfortable talking is here, I don’t do it because of people reading… I know people get really pissed off when I’m angry about something I go in here, If I get angry at Work/someone anything I come on here.. I’m sorry but this is the only place I have…. I can’t help it, I’ve had this for 4 years almost…. It sometimes is the only thing that can help me. I just can’t change who I am…. And for some STUPID reason I just can’t talk…. I think all the time, just NO Words come out… And when ever I do try to talk about something that’s in my mind I screw it up, and it becomes one giant Mess…… So Now i’m too afraid…. I’m so afraid…more then I should be.. I don’t think it’s normal… Just people that are really important to me I shove in some kinda corner and barely talk to them.. I don’t want to be that horrible friend…. I’m slowly trying to fix it… I am…. I’m trying… I’m not like this… I’m here for all of you… I really am… I don’t know what I’m saying anymore…… But I feel like I ditched Collin in some kinda corner in the world, and made it look like I didn’t care about him at all… Doesn’t anyone see something wrong there?? This is just reflections of last year… I’m sorry…. just I never want to hurt anyone like that ever…. That wasn’t me……I feel like I was acting like Phil….Possessed….
yeah I’m losing my mind…..Japan japan japan……..I love you… 

I really need to be more open…….well I mean besides being on here.. haha…
see there once was a girl Named Megan who opened all her feelings to this boy…
and then he broke her heart and stomped on her running far far away…… that is when Megan’s open feelings closed………where the key is no one knows…

December 26th, 2004

(no subject)

Some things are so special, that even when they’re happening right before you..
You don’t even know how special they are until you just sit and really think about it..
It’s at that moment when you sit and smile about it, you really feel how special it is….Its funny this Credit Card guy was talking to me on the phone… He wasn’t like other credit card guys he seemed so nice and he was really explaining everything.. Actually he explained more things to me then anyone has ever…. it was funny.. thanks Credit Card guy!

Everwood quote 

July 2nd, 2004

Ephram said this to Amy it’s about losing someone…

“You know, after my mom died, everybody told me that I was gonna be ok. That, it would take a little time, but I would heal. Well, that didn’t ever happen; not really anyway. . . What you’re feeling right now Amy, it doesn’t ever really go away — not completely. It’s not like, ya know, you’re gonna go back to being the person you were before they died — the person’s gone. It’s more like something inside of you breaks and your body finds a way to compensate for it. Like if you busted your right hand, you figure out how to use the left one. And sure, you might resist for awhile because you’re pissed off that you have to learn all this stuff again that nobody else does. Eventually your body takes over and figures it out for you. And your glad. because if it was up to you. . . you’d look at your broken hand forever and try to figure out what it was like before.”

If my body never took over I’d probably be still looking at my broken hand..
people should know when they’re looking at it too much…….

Alien contact

June 4th, 2002

You Need Love to Light the Shadows on your Face

There’something with today that I can’t explain.
My neck and arm are really bothering me. Ever since my alien thing the other night I’ve been feeling so dizzy and like I need to sleep.. Let me tell you something freaky I started reading about alien contactee syndrome which really really freaked me out. Because what happens to the person is they start to have a pulsing (I had a headache) Then they also hearing a humming or buzzing noise. Then next they start to see colors, flashes of lights. (i saw lime green/red) Then the person loses touch with reality and begins to hallucinate. The fully conscious person then starts to get hypnotized by the light and begin to feel paralized. See yeah I believe in aliens and ghosts, well all that stuff. And I really wouldn’t be making this stuff up. Yeah I believe it exists and I want to believe in it. But maybe some part of me thinks maybe its all not real maybe there’s really an explaination behind most of it. I myself could probably make some really good ghost pictures. But the way I feel right now, and how my arm hurts. Something paranormal did happen the other night, I wouldn’t admit it because of the fact people will think I’m crazy. But I thinK i’m crazy so I figured I’d say it anyway. hehe I talked to Nicole and she really believes me and was saying maybe they didn’t want to hurt me or anything. But she said if it happens again to never think about being probed and experimented on. See if aliens have telepathy they might see what I’m afraid of and think it’s what is on my mind, and that i like it. haha!

 June 5th, 2002

Going Crazy!

gosh im losing mind.. I was reading more about the alien contactee syndrome when I figured out what was hurting its all my muscles. When i read what happens days after the contact you get severe headaches and muscular aches and pains afterwards and have the need for excessive sleep. Now people who have been talking to me for the past couple days should know.. That I’m in so much pain with headaches, and my neck,arms. Not to mention the feeling I have to sleep all the time. I come home from work and fall right to sleep. Which I normally NEVER do. I also started reading about how it makes you not want to do the things you enjoy.(go to nocturne?) It’s really creepy and I know how insane I sound. I know I sound crazy and I believe in all the paranormal stuff so it doesn’t make sense. I don’t know what’s going on except I think I’m crazy more then I ever have. And..well the only explaination is my tv was on and the lights where out. So the flashes which passed the eyes and optical nerves went directly to my brain. Which the flahes are masses of energy moving through the visible spectrum which our minds are not tuned in with that frequency of the flickering object which causes the hallucinations… I bet that made no sense. haha! Well it did to me!?! In Other words.
Maybe the flickering light made my brain hallucinate. I’d believe that except.. I’ve watched Tv in the dark billions of times. Plus around strobe lights. Can’t wait to see how I feel tonight! HAHAHAH That’s gonna suck.
And I think I’d shut up about it, but it’s too strage not talk about. And now I’m just waiting for the other symptoms to happen. I’m just hoping it’s the one and not the other… *sniffles*
I’m thinking it’s going to be the one because, my journals kinda changed. It was like that alien thing happened and the next day Phil talked to me about How i should be happy and not depressed. Ever since then my feelings changed into that everything isn’t so bad. And I’m happy. So maybe everything will turn out good And I’ll be okay..
I guess I’ll update on whatever happens…

-Mega doddle dandy-

June 6th, 2002

(no subject)

Right now I feel like I could sleep for so many days. It’s weird… if i wasn’t for my mom yelling for me to get up I don’t think I would have woke up I normally don’t sleep past 12. I feel like freakin crap YUP! And I Came home from Nocturne and Phil called it was a cute message, and Then I felt bad and called his house like 2 times leaving messages at 3am.. hah The club was alright I had fun dancing and being happy. At work I was happy really happy. I didn’t understand… I’m just loving life In some weird way. Until I woke up and feel this pain. Freakin Head hurts so much and all i want to talk to is Phil. And I really want to write about Nocturne But i Can’t right now Pain sucks.. I have to force myself to go to work.. Like I’m not kidding.
I just want to lay in bed and cry right now because this pain isn’t going away it’s getting worse and like traveling… And I sent Phil 
e-mails and I know he read them BLAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m happy Coheed and Cambria SATURDAY!!! WHOOHO!

December 14th, 2002

Aliens (<>..<>) Ufo’s (<>..<>) Believe

I remember when I was little, I’ve always had an obsession with Aliens. Maybe I thought they where cute. I have no idea. As I look around my room, I never realized how long I’ve collected alien stuff with no real reason behind it. I remember at one point I used to come online and just look up crop circles. I’ve liked the paranormal for pretty much since I was 11. Aliens have also been a big part of it also. In 1997 I was driving in the car in pure daylight with Lindsay, Ashley and My dad. When to the right of the car flying above the movie theater was a UFO. It was the plate shaped kind. It was silver, and the sides where spinning as it sat in the sky. I being obsessed with Aliens, told my dad to drive closer because i wanted to make sure it was real. But he said no, its fake. I know it was real.. I believe it. After a few years in 1999, I started back with my aliens research. I also joined, this secret research group proving the paranormal exists. I’ve been helping them for a real long time now. When one morning walking to the school bus at 6:30 in the morning it was still dark out, there was a black jeep. And two people where inside the two males, they didn’t seem right. They where staring at me. It was really creepy. A couple days after that, a million crows fill the sky. To the point I refused to walk to the school bus, I remember Chris didn’t believe me till one night he was at my house and the birds filled my trees. After the 9/11 thing happened, I came up with the idea, that Aliens have this world mapped out, and they most likely would come down to see what happened. After posting, my computer froze. And I went to bed. I was really tired. When looking at my wall I saw A green orb floating around making lines. I heard a real funny noise like a tape rewinding. And my ceiling started to flash red and green. Something kept telling me to come closer to the window. I kept fighting it. I saw white lights go across my ceiling like how a car’s lights would look. But I’m not close to any car lights. I ran down stairs and slept on the couch. It was crazy. The next week, it was rough. I was always thirsty, tired. I would sleep so much. And my body really hurt. And now here I am. To tell you the truth, I’ve told everyone that story I’ve told it to about 10 people or more. I don’t know who believes me who doesn’t. Either way I don’t care. I know, that at first I didn’t want to believe anything, but it would be a big hypocrite of me to say I don’t believe I experienced that. When I’ve believed in aliens, ghosts paranormal stuff for as long as I could remember. I know I wasn’t abducted I was just a contactee. Showing me they really are out there. Who knows. I had this dream at Phil’s house. and I drew a picture when I woke up. It was some sort of elevator. I believe, it came from them… not my head…
One of the greatest things happened to me today. I was ringing up a customer. When I guess she saw my necklace. When she asked if I have ever been to Roswell, Mexico. Hearing that really excited me for some reason. I told her no that I would love to go there. She told me that I would really like it that they have this museum that I would love. It made me happy. Being that she was a 30 year old girl. There’s a lot of old people out there that have the passion for the paranormal, however for some people its a hobby, some people its there life, job. For me it’s all I have left. It’s the one thing that’s keeping me here. It’s the only thing that gives me hope. People have there drugs, friends, family, girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers that mean something to them, and keep them going by each day. This is my thing and always will be till the day I die. Taken was a really special movie, and the ending was sad, I’m so glad it wasn’t at the movies, it would of never have captured what a beautiful movie it was. The outcome of the movie is what makes it so great. Steven Spielberg is trying to get across that Aliens exist, and that 
the government is keeping a lot from us. He didn’t make the aliens all evil and out to destroy our world it was great. Now I can’t wait till SEPT!! For the Taken Sci-Fi Tour. Thanks to that movie, I don’t feel as crazy anymore. I think that’s what it was also for. To prove that people who have alien encounters aren’t insane. 

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